I applied at the Standard!

Celtic Samurai · Post by **Celtic Samurai** » October 6, 2004, 11:05 am

I want to be the new movie review guy. I mean, don't you guys wanna see GOOD reviews of GOOD movies? The movie review column in the Entertainer is pretty lame. And if that guy posts here . . . yeah, you suck.

So I filled out an app, and included what a rad movie review should look like. Tell me what you think of it. And if you want to see more KICK ASS movie reviews in your paper, then tell the Standard what's what.

Bubba Ho-Tep
Starring: Bruce Campbell, Ossie Davis, and Bob Ivy
Directed by: Don Coscarelli
Based on a short story by Joe R. Lansdale
Released 2003

“I was dreaming I had my d!*k out and was checking to see if the sore at the end of it had filled up with pus again. If it had I was going to name it after my ex-wife ‘Scilla and bust it by jackin’ off.”

That’s the opening line of “Bubba Ho-Tep”, and it’s a line that is certain to grab an audience’s attention. In fact, it grabs the audience by head and punches them in the face a few times. How to explain “Bubba Ho-Tep” . . . ? Well let’s start with the basic premise: Elvis Presley never really died. This, of course, we all know to be true. He actually switched places with an Elvis impersonator years ago, lost the proof of his true identity, and is now living in a dilapidated rest home somewhere in east Texas. He can barely walk, has cancer on his . . . . “thingy”, and has to battle a 4000 year old mummy that’s been preying on the souls of the aged residents. He’s joined by, now dig this, a black JFK played by Ossie Davis.

Now I know that your all thinking, “Holy crap, man, this movie sounds rad to the max already. Is there more to it?” Oh yes. Elvis is played by Bruce Campbell. “OH MY GOD, I NEED THIS MOVIE INSIDE ME!”
“Bubba Ho-Tep” is sort of a hard flick to pin down with a genre label. It’s got some horror, sure. It’s got lots of laughs. It’s got some mystery. It’s got suspense. “Bubba Ho-Tep” is actually all of these, with some real heart holding it all together. Somehow between the mummy, penis references, and Bruce Campbell’s chin (which also appears in such films as Spider-man1& 2, Evil Dead, and Army of Darkness), the film is strangely touching in parts, and speaks on our society’s treatment of the elderly.

The movie is based on a short story by Joe R Lansdale (Dead In The West, The Job) and really strives to be true to the original work. The DVD features a reading from the story by Lansdale himself. The director was Don Coscarelli (Phantasm III, Phantasm IV) who, with a fraction of the cost of a regular Hollywood snoozer, created an instant cult classic. “Bubba Ho-Tep” isn’t going to win any Oscars. But who the hell cares about the Oscars anymore? It did receive the Horror Writer’s Association “Bram Stoker Award For Superior Achievement” as well as several of Fangoria Magazine’s “Chainsaw Awards”. Now THAT’S the measure of a good movie: how many friggin’ chainsaws it wins.

The DVD has a $%!*load of special features including: behind the scenes documentary, audio commentaries, a music video, and more. My personal favorite was the audio commentary by “The King”, Bruce Campbell as the real Elvis critiquing the movie. It’s like watching a movie with my grandparents. If my grandparents were rock gods and possibly high.

I can’t stress enough how hard this movie rules. Everything from the dialogue, to the incredible acting, to the addicting soundtrack composed by Brian Tyler, it is a great movie. If you’re a Bruce Campbell fan (right here), you’re going to wet yourself watching him as The King of Rock. If you’re an Elvis fan (guilty again), prepare to have your face rocked. If you like mummies (who really doesn’t?) you’ll flip over Bubba, played by Bob Ivy. This movie kicks 4 out of 5 @$$’s all day long. It’s hurt a bit by the fact that Elvis spends about the first third of the movie in bed, and there were no gratuitous ninja scenes. But those are trivial complaints really. Seriously, if you watch this movie and don’t immediately develop an Elvis impersonator fetish, then something’s wrong with you.

Review by: Ryan Colvard

Kenshiro · Post by **Kenshiro** » October 6, 2004, 12:46 pm

I stopped reading that guy after he spoiled Hero one week and said Collateral was a good movie another week. Here's hoping you get the job.

Chreteau · Post by **Chreteau** » October 6, 2004, 1:10 pm

Celtic Samurai dipped his quill in a jar of ink and wrote:a $%!*load of special features

This movie kicks 4 out of 5 @$$’s

A word of advice -- increase your vocabulary. Responsible journalism should not include profanity, in my personal opinion.

Flame on.

the_red_chimp · Post by **the_red_chimp** » October 6, 2004, 2:12 pm

Chreteau wrote:
Celtic Samurai dipped his quill in a jar of ink and wrote:a $%!*load of special features

This movie kicks 4 out of 5 @$$’s
A word of advice -- increase your vocabulary. Responsible journalism should not include profanity, in my personal opinion.

Flame on.

Chreteau wrote:
the_red_chimp wrote:And diminish the whole experience for ourselves? Because, you know, moderators aren't people.
You're not a person, you're a worthless little punk with a power trip. You just got moderator priviledges and now you're abusing them simply because you dislike someone. You're a pathetic piece of shit, and any time you want to meet in person, I'll be happy to beat the living snot out of your worthless ass.

Go fuck yourself you little bitch.

Chreteau · Post by **Chreteau** » October 6, 2004, 2:17 pm

Chreteau ALSO wrote:Responsible journalism should not include ...

This board counts as journalism?

the_red_chimp · Post by **the_red_chimp** » October 6, 2004, 2:21 pm

expand your vocabulary

Nevermind, I was just poking fun. I actually sort of agree. I don't really care if I have to read profanity like that in the paper, but I'm sure that they won't publish it.

Chreteau · Post by **Chreteau** » October 6, 2004, 3:34 pm

the_red_chimp wrote:I don't really care if I have to read profanity like that in the paper.

Bush Calls Kerry 'Fucking Loser'
Courtesy of CNN Profanity Edition

In his opening remarks during the third presidential debate this morning, President Bush referred to his limp-dicked opponent, John Kerry, as a "Fucking loser." Bush went on to say, "Kerry has no fucking idea what it's like to serve your country. How many goddamned times do we have to listen to him spout shit about being in Vietnam? He was there for four goddamned months. That's not service, that's a mini-vacation."

Kerry began his rebuttal against the President, but only managed to say "Listen you ass," before he was brutally gunned down by a member of the U.S. Secret Service.

When asked to explain the killing, Secret Service spokesperson Nunya Biznitch stated, "Senator Kerry violated the 'Don't Dis Our Prez Act of 2004' which clearly states that profanity aimed at the President is considered a threat against his life. The President's virgin ears could have exploded, causing severe injury or death."

Meanwhile members of the Kerry campaign have decided not to continue the campaign with only Senator John Edwards, claiming Edwards was "just some queer we picked up because he has wavy hair and makes Kerry look good."

Recent polls show that with Kerry out of the running, the President has a 95% lead over his other opponent, Green Party member I. M. AnIdiot.

This is Blackie Chan, reporting live from somewhere in the middle of fucking Washington, D.C. Good-fucking-night.

ColorOfSakura · Post by **ColorOfSakura** » October 6, 2004, 4:56 pm

Journalism should never include profanity, unless it is a direct quote from someone else, and even then, the content should be edited down a little.

Celtic Samurai · Post by **Celtic Samurai** » October 8, 2004, 2:14 pm

Chreteau wrote:
Celtic Samurai dipped his quill in a jar of ink and wrote:a $%!*load of special features

This movie kicks 4 out of 5 @$$’s
A word of advice -- increase your vocabulary. Responsible journalism should not include profanity, in my personal opinion.

Flame on.

A word of advice -- shut the fuck up. My vocabulary is fine. I also know the word "twat". As in: "Chreteau is a ______".

How do consider "$%!*" to be profanity? What are you Baptist or something?

And since when is a movie review, especially one with an obvious humor slant to it, considered "responsible journalism"?

The biggest complaint I hear about the Standard is that it's too dry. They try so hard for "respectable journalism" that they fail to entertain a large portion of their readers. God forbid someone try to spice it up a bit.

Chreteau · Post by **Chreteau** » October 8, 2004, 2:25 pm

Celtic Samurai wrote:A word of advice -- shut the fuck up. My vocabulary is fine. I also know the word "twat". As in: "Chreteau is a ______".

Wow, someone is overly sensitive.

Celtic Samurai · Post by **Celtic Samurai** » October 8, 2004, 2:30 pm

What do you expect when your opening comment is "Increase your vocabulary"?

Chreteau · Post by **Chreteau** » October 8, 2004, 2:31 pm

You're right. I should have expected "increase your vocabulary" to result in a temper tantrum.

ColorOfSakura · Post by **ColorOfSakura** » October 8, 2004, 2:32 pm

I don't think you need to expand your vocabulary, Celtic. But papers sadly won't allow what they consider "inappropriate language" into the publication.

Mainly because a lot of people find it offensive. Spice up the Standard, sure. But find some way to do it without using vulgar language.

Celtic Samurai · Post by **Celtic Samurai** » October 8, 2004, 2:34 pm

Chreteau wrote:You're right. I should have expected "increase your vocabulary" to result in a temper tantrum.

How so, junior?

Chreteau · Post by **Chreteau** » October 8, 2004, 2:36 pm

Celtic Samurai wrote:How so, junior?

This this:

Celtic Samurai also wrote:A word of advice -- shut the fuck up. My vocabulary is fine. I also know the word "twat". As in: "Chreteau is a ______".

Celtic Samurai · Post by **Celtic Samurai** » October 8, 2004, 2:44 pm

Your comment comes across as derisive, where Rob's is simply constructive. Understand what I'm saying, or do I have to bust out more polysyllabic words to satisfy your dizzying intellect?

Chreteau · Post by **Chreteau** » October 8, 2004, 2:48 pm

Are you still going on about this? Talk about sensitivity. You must be a democrat. Will you cry this much when Kerry loses the election?

Celtic Samurai · Post by **Celtic Samurai** » October 8, 2004, 3:02 pm

What does that have to do with anything?

WOO-WOOOO! Here comes the clue train! Last stop: you. Hey, Hannity, not everyone's world revolves around shitty political elections.

rchif0 · Post by **rchif0** » October 8, 2004, 3:05 pm

You just argue with everybody don't you?

Celtic Samurai · Post by **Celtic Samurai** » October 8, 2004, 3:09 pm

rchif0 wrote:You just argue with everybody don't you?

Well, binky, I certainly do make a grand effort.

rchif0 · Post by **rchif0** » October 8, 2004, 3:14 pm

I suppose that could've applied to you too then.

Chreteau · Post by **Chreteau** » October 8, 2004, 4:35 pm

Celtic Samurai · Post by **Celtic Samurai** » November 3, 2004, 10:08 am

Round 2: The Standard called me the other day for a follow-up review. It's come down to me and few others. I have to write another review this week and that'll be the deciding factor. Kind of like American Idol but not as gay.

I'm thinking of reviewing Saw if it hasn't been done yet. Maybe Team America: World Police.

Kenshiro · Post by **Kenshiro** » November 3, 2004, 11:15 am

Dude...Team America is what my money would be on. Then again, I don't even know what Saw is.

Too bad you won't have time to review The Incredibles. I wanna see that movie.

Good luck!

Celtic Samurai · Post by **Celtic Samurai** » November 3, 2004, 11:36 am

I could. The review isn't due until Tuesday. Doesn't the Incredibles come this Friday?

BearNotes

I applied at the Standard!

I applied at the Standard!

Re: I applied at the Standard!

Re: I applied at the Standard!

Re: I applied at the Standard!

Re: I applied at the Standard!

Re: I applied at the Standard!