some things to ponder

[tiffybird24]

this might take a while to read but i just thought it they were some funny and interesting things to think about.

• Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
• ”I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!" - Homer Simpson
• The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.
• ”What do you take me for, an idiot?" - General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy
• 'Tis a brave man who wears the kilt in January.” --Scottish saying
• ”When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.” - Chuck Norris
• 37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent.
• 47.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
• 60% of Americans say that, if they could push a button that would make Larry King disappear, they would keep pushing it and not stop.
• A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
• A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
• Above all else: Sky.
• Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age.
• All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
• Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor's cute, screw the fruit!
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• Analyzing humor is like analyzing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.
• Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
• Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
• Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
• Bill & Hillary are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The nation.
• Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
• Broken promises don't bother me at all. I just wonder why they keep believing me.
• By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry".
• Carpenter's rule: Cut to fit. Beat into place.
• Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
• Clones are people two.
• Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
• Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Don't abuse marijuana... smoke it gently and carefully.
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... film at 11.
• Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.
• Elephants wear tutus so they can hide in pine trees. Did you ever see an elephant in a pine tree? No? Well then, you know it works.
• Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
• For people who like peace and quiet - a phone less cord.
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Forecast for tonight: Dark.
• Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
• Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional.
• Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
• I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!
• If I'm ignorant, that's the first I've heard of it!
• If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable!
• If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
• It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
• Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.
• Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!
• On the Friday the 13th/Halloween horror flicks those kids are so easy to kill, you could strangle them with a cordless phone.
• Possessive??? Me?? Nah, I was just sick the day they discussed sharing in Kindergarten.
• So you say money doesn't motivate you. What does? I'll buy it for you!
• Some people have a way with words, while others... um... thingy.
• Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.
• Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
• The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
• The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
• This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
• Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.
• To kiss a fool is bad. To let a fool kiss you is even worse.
• Today's subliminal thought is: …………………………………
• Tofu - the other white meat substitute.
• Two people in every one IS a schizophrenic.
• USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
• We can’t all be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!
• What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.
• When Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised, but when Old MacDonald had a FARM, the doctor nearly had a heart attack!
• "So tell me, are those cookies made with real Girl Scouts?"
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?
• Can I yell MOVIE in a crowded firehouse?
• Charlie: I'm not old enough to understand girls. Jasper: Heh, I don' think anybody lives THAT long.
• Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
• Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
• Do Amish people get one phone call when arrested?
• How come on the show 'Family Matters' two of the kids just disappeared... they were there one season and gone the next... makes you wonder if family really does matter?
• How come the bullets that work are fired, and the ones that don't work are not?
• How come when you are driving through a neighborhood looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How came they call them Tuna fish but not beef mammal or chicken bird?
• How can there be a limited lifetime warranty?
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• How come wrong numbers are never busy?
• How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?
• How do the skittles company people know what a rainbow tastes like?
• How do you remove a club soda stain?
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• How is it possible to have a CIVIL war?
• If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
• If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?
• If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
• If it's called a boxing RING, then why are they square?
• If knowledge is power and power corrupts, doesn't knowledge corrupt?
• If knowledge is power, and power corrupts, and corruption is crime, and crime doesn’t pay... Does knowledge, in the end, leave you broke?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• If Mike Brady was supposed to be this groovy architect, why did he force SIX kids into TWO bedrooms?
• If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said: Quit while you're ahead?
• If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
• If Snow White and Cinderella both married Prince Charming, did they marry the same guy?
• If Superman can block bullets with his chest then why did he duck when a gun was thrown at him?
• If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?
• If they're psychic and I need them so much, why don't they just phone me?
• If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
• If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator?
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
• Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
• Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
• Why are they called apartments if they are stuck together?
• Why is it that when our kids are naughty we ask "do you want a spanking?" What are they going to say, "Yes please, may I have two?"
• Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo?
• Why is the word ‘dictionary’ in the dictionary?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If your clone kills you, is that suicide?
• In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
• In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?
• Is a metaphor like a simile?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
• Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
• Why is Greenland icy and Iceland green?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• Why do doctors call what they do practice?
• Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Yesterday is a past, tomorrow is a future, and today is a gift that's why it's called 'present'.
• "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, and the Swiss hold the America's Cup. France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"